But each evening, I sat, wine in hand, alone in an apartment with my thoughts. The same thoughts that circled around in my head for two years. The thoughts that I didn’t want to think. Let alone feel.
I had taken another career leap only to find what I leapt toward was not, in fact, what I thought or hoped it would be. It was something entirely different. And, try as I might to overcome it, make the situation bearable, do my best, I was being emotionally, physically, and spiritually crushed under the disappointment. I quickly learned that my voice didn't matter. I stopped thriving.
Disappointment eventually breeds frustration.
Loneliness because, despite my best efforts, I felt spiritually alone. That God had literally peace’d out and I was now alone. Alone to drown in this sea of disappointment. I tried to surround myself with other spiritual people but I couldn’t connect. How could I articulate to them what I couldn’t fully articulate to myself? So doing what any self-reliant person does I pushed them away.
Loneliness became hurt. Hurt turned to anger.
I joked on my IG about the presence of a certain Kardashian book at my AirBnb. But, out of boredom, I skimmed it. It resonated with me because it made me realize how I had developed unhealthy habits to cope with my disappointment and loneliness. The things I loved to do I stopped doing. Right then, I put the book down and drafted a list. A manageable list of goals.
I felt a little better. Like some piece of myself came back from the ether. I slept deeply that night.
Every time I left the apartment, I had to venture down this steep, snow covered hill to catch the bus. When I did that, I passed by this church. Every. Single. Time. I looked at the announcement board and saw they had service at 11 am on Sunday. Despite the fact I hadn’t set foot in a church in several months, I decided to go.
Cut to Sunday, my last full day in Montréal, I sat a couple of pews from the front. There was a lot of ritual and ceremony (first time at an Episcopal church). The priest got up to speak. I wish I could say that I remembered everything he said. I really don’t. But I do remember how it made me feel.
Something deep inside of me cracked open. A feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time washed over me. I sobbed. Long after the service was over I sobbed.
The general gist is this: God, through this priest, let me know he NEVER left me. He heard every prayer from the “going through the motions” prayer to the “I’m mad at you so go fuck off” prayer. Not only that, He made it quite clear that this season. This phase of life isn’t the end of my story. It wasn’t the end of His plan for me. That there is so much more coming. Just hold on.
I got back to the apartment. Laid in the fetal position on the bed and cried.
I left Montréal a much different person then I arrived. My struggles are still the same. My problems didn’t magically go away. Rather, my thought processes toward them changed. I had to be willing to be transformed. I had to be willing to let go of the anger.
Is the anger, hurt, disappointment gone? Hell no. But the sting isn’t quite there because I realize that while I may feel lonely, I am never alone.
That is how #getmylife came to be. I’m refocusing my energy on reclaiming my life. The bits of myself that I gave away to toxic people and situations. It’s me reminding myself to love myself again.